Dilbert’s mother realizes that her son is destined to become an engineer
Degradatie
Wat zijn de drie vormen van degratie van een ir.?
- hij vergeet de hogere wiskunde
- hij raakt in de war van basis wiskunde
- hij draagt een badge met “afgestuurd in Delft”
Guillotine
Een jurist, pastoor en ir. zijn ter dood veroordeeld. Het vonnis zal met de guillotine volstrekt worden.
De pastoor is als eerste aan de beurt, maar het mes blijft halverwege steken. De pastoor zegt tot de rechter: u ziet het, ik ben toch onschuldig want de hoogste rechter heeft mijn gebeden verhoord! De rechter besluit daarop de pastoor vrij te laten.
Ook bij de jurist blijft het mes steken. De jurist zegt: aha, u kunt een vonnis voor hetzelfde misdrijf slechts eenmaal voltrekken. Met deze spitsvondigheid overtuigt hij de rechter en komt vrij.
Ten slotte is de ir. aan de beurt en ook bij hem blijft het mes steken. De ir. kijkt omhoog en ziet het meteen: dat kan ik repareren!
Balloon
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.
“I do” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well” says the balloonist, “Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”
The man below says, “You must be a manager.”
“I do” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” says the man, “You don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
CIA
The CIA is holding interviews for a vacant assasin position for a job in the Middle East. So they line up three applicants, an English butler, a French gigolo and an engineer to see which one blends in perfectly. They tell them, “In this room we have a beautiful woman, a real lady actually, and your task is to get this gun, get in and kill her. It’s real tough but we must know if you are capable of making the
right decision and executing whet it comes down to it.”
The butler gives the Farmboys a disdainful look and says, “I would never do a low down thing like that, no matter how much it pays.” Then he gracefully leaves the room.
The gigolo takes the gun and hesitantly walks into the room just to come out in a few minutes, all in tears. “I would never hurt a woman,” he says, “much less a would-be customer.”
The engineer takes the gun, goes in and closes the door. Dreadful sounds start blaring out of there, shooting, screaming, banging, things being torn apart, pleas, all that kind of stuff. The Virginia farmboys start to sweat and then the engineer comes out, infuriated. “You idiots,” he says, “there were blanks in that gun! I had to tear a leg off the table and beat her to death!”
Bike
Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, “Hey — Nice bike! Where did you get it?” “Well,” replies the other, “I was walking to class the other day when this pretty young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says ‘You can have ANYTHING you want!!” “Good choice,” says the first, “her clothes wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”
Beach
An engineer went to the beach in search of girls, and after strolling around for some time, he wasn`t even getting a glance from any of them. He began to feel kind of discouraged, and he noticed that they were flirting with the lifeguard. He walked up to the lifeguard and asked him how he was able to attract so many girls. The lifeguard said that the secret was to put a potato inside of his trunks. So the next morning the engineer put a potato in his trunks and went back to the beach. This time the girls were giving him disgusted looks and were turning away from him. He went back to the lifeguard and asked why it didn`t work. The lifeguard said “Try it again tomorrow and this time, put the potato in front”.
Laywer
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”
So the engineer reports to the gates of Hell and is let in. Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in Hell?” Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great! We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next!”
God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have been sent down there. Send him back up here!” Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God replies, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.” Satan laughs and says,
“Yeah, right! And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
RWE
At RWE, they hired three engineers from a very distant island. Unfortunately, these men were cannibals. Hence, RWEs CEO talks to these guys and warns them: If they cannot refrain from their habit they will be sent home immediately!! The promised to behave well.
The three cannibals started their work and performed better than expected. Everything seems to work fine. However, after three months, a cleaner disappears. The CEO calls the three cannibals in his room. They deny any involvement. The CEO, however, told them that he couldn’t tolerate any problems with the cannibals and sent them home.
On the street again, one cannibal asks the others: ‘Hey, did anyone of you break his promise.’ One admits: ‘Sorry, but I cannot resist. She was so pretty and my appetite growing….’.
‘You are so stupid!’, said the first cannibal, ‘ why did you eat the cleaner? I ate three engineers during the last three months and no one noticed it.
FBI
Hello, is this the FBI?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Bill Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Bill Smith’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Bill Smith and left.
The phone rings at Bill’s house.
“Hey, Billy Boy! Did the FBI come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Merry Christmas Buddy”
Pisa
The leaning tower of Pisa joke involves the engineer, the mathematician and the physicist who are each given a barometer and a stop watch and asked to determine the height of the leaning tower of Pisa.
The physicist uses the barometer to measure the air pressure at the bottom and then at the top and from the difference he can calculate the height. He has an error of 20%.
The mathematician goes up to the top and drops the barometer over the side and uses the stop watch to measure how long it takes to reach the ground. He has an error of 10%.
The engineer takes the barometer and stop watch into the town and sells them and then with the money he bribes the caretaker. He gets the answer 100% correct!
Frog
An engineer is walking through the park and a frog jumps on his hand. The frog speaks and says: kiss me because i am a princess and i will be with you for one day. The engineer puts the frog in his pocket and continues his walk.
Somewhat later he takes the frog again and the frog says: Oh, kiss me, because i am a beautiful princess and i will be with you for one week. The engineer puts the frog away and continues.
Later that day he takes the frog once more and the frog says: oh kiss me, please kiss me, i am a young, lovely princess and i will do whatever you want me to do!!. Then the engineer replies: well, i don´t have time for a girlfriend, but i do like a speaking frog.